January 3, 2022
The first New Moon of 2022 is here to ignite a fresh new start (kinda like striking a match after an extra-stinky dump). If there are any shitty situations you’d rather leave behind as we ring in the New Year, consider this your go-ahead to just doo it. Flush your regrets and look ahead to what’s coming down the pipeline: Big expansive energy in the areas of love and romance, for one thing. Happy Poo Year!
You worked your butt off to get ahead at work in 2021, Aries — now it’s time to sit back and enjoy the poots of your labor. Your hard-working poo-sonality is finally getting the recognition it deserves.
Now is the time to focus on the crap that inspires you, Taurus. Whether that’s spending all day in bed binging Netflix, pooping with the door open, or traveling somewhere exotic — well, that’s up to you.
Romantic energy is in the air for you big-time this week, Gemini. That could mean new relationship sparks or deepening an existing connection — like, say, finally farting in front of your boo?
Relationships take center stage this week as a shituation arises with a friend or family member. Your nurturing side means you want to fix it, but remember: Sometimes you just gotta let that shit go.
The New Year is the poo-fect time to reevaluate your health, dear Leo. If you’re not getting enough fiber, make 2022 the year you finally incorporate bran muffins into your day — your butt will thank you.
This is your week to be in the spotlight, Virgo, so look up from your spreadsheets long enough to enjoy it. Just make sure there’s no toilet paper stuck to your shoe, because all eyes are on you.
A fresh start is in the air (or did you just rip one, Libra?). Either way, it’s a great time to make changes at home — like finally installing that bidet that your butt has been yearning for.
Now is the time to focus on communication with the ones you love, Scorpio. Whether that means finally calling your parents back or Facetiming your partner from the toilet is up to you.
Security issues might crop up this week when you least expect them, Sag. Make sure that bathroom stall door is firmly secured, lest you get caught with your pants (literally) down.
This week is all about Y-O-U, Cap, so take time to focus on your own needs and desires — even if that just means playing games on your phone while you drop the kids off at the pool. You doo you, boo.
This week is the poo-fect time to put your humanitarian nature to work, Aquarius. Do your doody to help others in need and you’ll be blown away by how good it feels.
Take some time this week to dream about the future, Pisces. Is there something you need to let go of in order to move forward? If so, now’s your chance to flush that crap and lighten your load.