Do NOT Go In There

Okay, I feel like I have to set the scene for this one with some background information. I love pizza… but my stomach is not as much of a fan of that cheezy, saucey, grease-soaked bread. Every time I eat more than two slices I am immediately faced with regret as I am running down the hall clenching my cheeks and bargaining with the powers that be that if I can just make it I swear this will be the last time… Okay so now that you know my relationship with pizza, this story starts with me eating some late night slices as I prepared my equipment for one of the largest video and photo shoots I was directing early the next morning. This time I thought I had made it, not a single thing brewing that night and I fell asleep ready to take on the day. I awoke to a rushed exit through the door as I scrambled to get there before the supporting crew’s load in.

I had chosen to ride with my creative partner to the shoot and let him pick me up to drive me over to the location. This location was one of those amazingly designed and modernly decorated houses lining the streets of West Austin. As we approached the location I began to feel my stomach drop and swell with that all-too-familiar rumbling… That strange brewing regret building up in my stomach, serving as a reminder to my many broken promises to myself to never eat pizza again. I knew this one was to be a horrible and urgent “unloading,” as my typical MO is to avoid any public pooping situation, yet I began to beg my friend to keep driving past the set location and take me to the convenience store up the street. Rushing through the door I began my familiar bargaining and plea that I do not poop my pants… though this time karma saw it fit to reward me with the dreaded Out Of Order sign. I took a breath to regain my composure and started to feel like I could handle this. So we drove back to the set where I started to help structure the day, welcome the talent, and ushered them into the wardrobe/makeup areas we blocked off for them.

At this point, the house was primed and ready for shooting, All bathrooms were cleaned and prepared for the video shots to be taken in them later, the only bathroom set for use was directly in the middle of the house which was a corridor connecting all of the talent and the rest of the sets. With one hour before the first shots were to begin, that restroom became a spot for the stylist and models to go in and out of to perfect the makeup and walk past as they began testing final lighting options vs outfits…. Then boom… that unavoidable “movement” was moments away… this was my nightmare. I could not leave as I did not have my car, and my friend had to return to my house to pick up additional hard drives for the shoot, in that moment I knew I would have no other options than to drop what I imagined would soon be one of the most well brewed pizza poops of my life. I panicked… I called my friend, BEGGED him to grab Poo~Pourri from my house also and to HURRY back before this gets out of hand. Though this time… I could not wait… the time was now… I rushed back past the crew and into the only bathroom and began to “let that shit go.”

As I sat there, thinking the worst was over, the odor hit me… I blew up this bathroom and any moment there will be a knock on the door for the talent to come in yet again… but I was not met with that, instead I was met with a passing conversation in the hall overheard through the door. I quickly shot off the toilet, pulled up my pants and tried everything I could to air out the smell. The conversation in the hallway had faded and I thought now was my chance to sneak out, leaving room for people to question who took the massive dump that was sure to stink up half of the house…So I took my chance and opened the door only to be greeted by a sea of faces looking back at me as they were carrying in the lighting and equipment to test shoot each model in that same bathroom… and as if it could not be any more awkward for me, just then, like an 80s sitcom, my friend burst through the main to the house behind everyone with a bottle of Poo~Pourri in his hand ready to hand it to me. I walked out to confidently grab the bottle and pulled the only thing that came to my mind… which happened to be a classic Jim Carrey quote, “you do NOT want to go in there” as I mimicked the exaggerated waving hand gesture… This awkward moment regularly haunts my wandering mind moments before I fall asleep..