your weekly guide to the stars, sun and (full) moon

December 27, 2021

Smell that? 2021 is fleeing like it just blew up the single-stall office bathroom — and we say, don’t let the door hit your butt on the way out. Whether your year was a sinker, a floater, or somewhere in between, you’ll no doubt be psyched to hear a brand new vibe of big-time growth and expansion is headed this way as Jupiter enters Pisces. So say buh-bye to 2021, because 2022 is here in poo-fect timing.

Aries

Take a deep breath, Aries, because as the New Year floods in, it’s time to focus on your own healing. Whatever it is that’s been bugging the poo outta you, now is the time to let that shit go.

Taurus

Now is the time to focus on your poo-sonal goals, Taurus. If you’ve been dreaming of taking a dump with a stunning ocean view, 2022 might just be your year.

Gemini

Your shituation at work looks promising as we head into the New Year, Gemini. So if you’ve been thinking about asking for a raise or a promotion — just doo it already.

Cancer

What inspires you the most, Cancer? Travel? Knitting? Horseback riding? Pooping with the door open? Whatever it is, doo more of that in 2022.

Leo

Other people’s problems aren’t usually your jam, Leo, but as 2022 rolls in, pay attention: Helping friends wade through ankle-deep poop water might just pay off for you.

Virgo

Serious relationship vibes are headed your way as the New Year rings in, Virgo. Just make sure your love connection understands the right way to hang a TP roll.

Libra

As 2022 plops in, the New Year is all about new healthy routines for you, Libra (and by extension, your poo). Will this finally be the year you get more fiber in your diet? Two words: bran muffins.

Scorpio

Big movements in your love life are coming down the pipes, Scorpio. Doo what you gotta doo to be prepared, like stocking the bathroom with a fresh bottle of Poo~Pourri.

Sagittarius

The New Year is looking mighty promising when it comes to real estate matters, Sag. This might just be the time to splurge on that fancy new apartment with a bidet. (Hey, your backside will thank you.)

Capricorn

You’re going places next year Cap, and we don’t just mean dropping the kids off at the pool. Expect some exciting poo-sonal travel plans to present themselves very soon.

Aquarius

2022 is looking awfully auspicious for your finances, Aquarius, and you’re feeling flush with cash. So take that trip, or buy that gilded toilet seat you’ve been eyeing — you’ve earned it.

Pisces

As we head into the New Year, it’s all about Y-O-U, Pisces. Expect a poo-sonal growth spurt as you come to realize what everyone else has known all along: You are the shit.