your weekly guide to the stars, sun and (full) moon
December 27, 2021
Smell that? 2021 is fleeing like it just blew up the single-stall office bathroom — and we say, don’t let the door hit your butt on the way out. Whether your year was a sinker, a floater, or somewhere in between, you’ll no doubt be psyched to hear a brand new vibe of big-time growth and expansion is headed this way as Jupiter enters Pisces. So say buh-bye to 2021, because 2022 is here in poo-fect timing.
Take a deep breath, Aries, because as the New Year floods in, it’s time to focus on your own healing. Whatever it is that’s been bugging the poo outta you, now is the time to let that shit go.
Now is the time to focus on your poo-sonal goals, Taurus. If you’ve been dreaming of taking a dump with a stunning ocean view, 2022 might just be your year.
Your shituation at work looks promising as we head into the New Year, Gemini. So if you’ve been thinking about asking for a raise or a promotion — just doo it already.
What inspires you the most, Cancer? Travel? Knitting? Horseback riding? Pooping with the door open? Whatever it is, doo more of that in 2022.
Other people’s problems aren’t usually your jam, Leo, but as 2022 rolls in, pay attention: Helping friends wade through ankle-deep poop water might just pay off for you.
Serious relationship vibes are headed your way as the New Year rings in, Virgo. Just make sure your love connection understands the right way to hang a TP roll.
As 2022 plops in, the New Year is all about new healthy routines for you, Libra (and by extension, your poo). Will this finally be the year you get more fiber in your diet? Two words: bran muffins.
Big movements in your love life are coming down the pipes, Scorpio. Doo what you gotta doo to be prepared, like stocking the bathroom with a fresh bottle of Poo~Pourri.
The New Year is looking mighty promising when it comes to real estate matters, Sag. This might just be the time to splurge on that fancy new apartment with a bidet. (Hey, your backside will thank you.)
You’re going places next year Cap, and we don’t just mean dropping the kids off at the pool. Expect some exciting poo-sonal travel plans to present themselves very soon.
2022 is looking awfully auspicious for your finances, Aquarius, and you’re feeling flush with cash. So take that trip, or buy that gilded toilet seat you’ve been eyeing — you’ve earned it.
As we head into the New Year, it’s all about Y-O-U, Pisces. Expect a poo-sonal growth spurt as you come to realize what everyone else has known all along: You are the shit.