September 27, 2021
THE SHIT THAT’S GOING ON THIS WEEK
Oh shit, it’s that time again: Mercury is now retrograde through October 18th, meaning you can expect communication snafus, technology fails, and a possible text from your ex. Mercury in retrograde is also the time to re-do anything you might have missed — so triple-check your wipe job and make sure that TP is coming up clean.
Petty arguments with your partner may be one of your favorite pastimes, dear Aries, but proceed with caution this week. Before yelling at them for leaving the toilet seat up, make sure it wasn’t you first.
This week could present a stinky set of circumstances at work, Taurus, so double check the “To” field before firing off any emails complaining about your cubicle neighbor’s post-broccoli farts.
Your love life is in the spotlight this week, Gemini, and while one side of you might think texting your ex seems like a really good idea, your other side will remember that they’re full of crap.
Pay extra attention to things at home this week, like remembering to flush before you let a guest use the loo — or they may be forced to confront a shitty side of you they never wanted to see.
Your confidence is admirable, Leo, but remember that changing your mind is a sign of wisdom. So maybe reconsider before you trust that fart — crapping your pants is sooooo Mercury Retrograde.
Word to the wise, Virgo: Make sure you lock the bathroom door at work when you’re dropping the kids off at the pool, or be prepared to avoid eye contact with your boss for the next 6 months.
Take some time to ponder on your direction in life, Libra. Are you happy? Are you fulfilled? Are you getting enough fiber in your diet? (Hey, it’s never too late to start eating bran flakes for breakfast.)
This is the perfect time for endings and completions, Scorpio, so whether it’s an overdue project at work or a relationship that’s dragged on far too long, get ready to wrap that shit up.
Think carefully about future plans this week, Sag. Are you happy in your relationship? Do you like where your career is headed? Do you really want to take a 5-hour road trip after eating chili cheese fries?
This week could be an important one for your reputation at work, Cap. So please make sure your camera really is off when you call into that Zoom meeting from the toilet.
Pay close attention to written communications this week, Aquarius. Because one little slip of the thumbs and you’re accidentally telling your BFF you “sharted” the movie without them. *facepalm*
Smell that, Pisces? Romance is in the air this week. Just make sure you don’t have toilet paper (or worse, dog poop) stuck to your shoe, because your date could turn shitty real quick.