your weekly guide to the stars, sun and (full) moon

October 4, 2021

THE SHIT THAT’S GOING ON THIS WEEK

The new moon drops on Wednesday, making this the poo-fect time for new beginnings. It’s in the sign of Libra, meaning it could be go time for a new relationship - but the presence of Mars could also dump a load of arguments at your doorstep. Whether it’s bickering over who forgot to change the TP roll or whether that fart really was the dog, fret not: All this crap should get flushed relatively quickly.

Aries

Watch out for arguments with your nearest and dearest this week, Aries. Shit could hit the fan, so try to avoid unnecessary confrontations if you can (*ahem* like remembering to put the toilet seat down).

Taurus

It’s a great week to start a new health routine, Taurus, so doo whatever feels good: Go for a jog in the morning! Eat a bran muffin! Poop with the door open!

Gemini

Love is in the air for you this week, Gemini, but frankly - it smells like crap. Keep an eye out for arguments and confrontations so you don’t accidentally step in (proverbial) shit.

Cancer

It’s a time of new beginnings at home, Cancer. You might feel the urge to start on a home improvement poo-ject - or just bust out a spanking new bottle of Pumpkin Spice Poo~Pourri.

Leo

A big new contract could land in your lap this week, Leo. Just make sure you actually read it this time around, lest you find yourself in a regrettable shituation.

Virgo

You’re flush with cash this week, Virgo, so it may feel like the poofect time to splurge on some new shit. Just make sure you spring for the extended warranty, because Mercury is still in retrograde.

Libra

With the new moon shining in your sign this week, it’s all about Y-O-U, Libra. Allow us to whisper in your ear a little reminder: “You’re the shit.”

Scorpio

You’re on a roll when it comes to completions this week, Scorp. Just make sure you remember to restock the TP after you use the last square, or you could wind up with a real poo-sonal problem.

Sagittarius

Your adventurous nature means your next flight is never far off. But resist the urge to bicker with your travel companion over who gets the window seat. Hey, at least you’re not sitting next to the loo.

Capricorn

We all know how important youir career is to you, so avoid workplace confrontations this week - even if you strongly suspect your cube mate of crop-dusting you, it’s best to let that shit go.

Aquarius

You may be tempted to reveal a big secret this week, Aquarius, but look before you leap and consider the fallout. Does the entire office really need to know you get totally naked to poop?

Pisces

Be wary of other people’s crises pooping on your parade this week, Pisces. It may stink right now, but ultimately the shituation will turn out for the best.