your weekly guide to the stars, sun and (full) moon

Holy crap: Mercury is no longer retrograde.

Mercury has moved into the oh-so-emo sign of Cancer, meaning right now is the time to focus on your poo-sonal needs and whatever makes you feel safe (you know, like a securely locked bathroom door and a fresh roll of TP). Mercury in Cancer also means it’s easier to tune into and trust your gut right now — but keep in mind that your emotions can sometimes cloud the truth, so think carefully before listening to that rumble in your belly.

Aries

It’s a great week for real estate, Aries, so why not embark on a little house hunting? Just be sure to knock on the bathroom door before barging in to avoid any shitty situations.

Taurus

You’ll be relieved to hear travel is a “go” for you this week, Taurus, so indulge yourself by booking that luxury vacation. After all, only the finest three-ply TP will doo for you.

Gemini

You’re flush with cash this week, Gemini, so go ahead and buy that thing you’ve been wanting. Just make sure both your personalities approve before you take the plunge.

Cancer

You’ll no doubt be relieved to hear it’s all about you this week, Cancer. So if you’re feeling wiped, give into your homebody ways and stay home to Netflix and chill.

Leo

Dear Leo, we know it stinks, but this week is all about selfless service and doing things behind the scenes. Scrubbing the ring around the toilet would be a good place to start.

Virgo

Your type A poo-sonality will be thrilled to hear this week is for focusing on big goals — even if it’s just finally getting your housemates to change the empty toilet paper roll.

Libra

Hey social butterfly, guess what? This week is all about your status and reputation, which should be music to your ears. But in case you need a reminder: You’re the shit.

Scorpio

This week, focus on the shit that inspires you, Scorpio. Whether that’s writing, travel, learning or something else, you’ll bring your usual intensity to the potty.

Sagittarius

Dear Sag, finances are taking center stage this week — both yours and others’, so don’t let your free-spirited nature and your partner’s credit card create a sticky shituation.

Capricorn

Hey workaholic, look up from your laptop and pay attention to your relationships this week. Your partner and friends could always use a little reminder that you really do give a shit.

Aquarius

While you’re known for serving others, this week is the perfect time to focus on creating healthier work habits for yourself — like not answering emails on the toilet.

Pisces

Expect to see some big movements in your love life as romantic pursuits come into the spotlight this week, oh dreamy one. (Better not forget to stock the bathroom with Poo~Pourri.)