your weekly guide to the stars, sun and (full) moon

April 4, 2022

It’s Aries season, and the stars are aligned for a big ol’ burst of new energy — a cosmic fart, if you will. You might feel the sudden urge to launch a new project, flush a relationship that’s not working out, or speak your truth about a shituation that’s been bugging you. Whatever it is you feel driven to doo, know that the planets are on your side.

Aries

It’s Aries season, meaning this week is all about Y-O-U. The stars are aligned just for you and they’re serving up one simple cosmic reminder: You are the shit.

Taurus

You’re legendary for your laziness, Taurus, but take all the naps you want this week: Your dreams could contain an important message urging you to doo something important.

Gemini

This week is the poofect opportunity to focus on big goals, Gemini — even if it’s just finally getting your housemates to understand that the TP roll goes over, not under.

Cancer

Is a co-worker rubbing you the wrong way this week, Cancer? We get it — but sometimes, it’s better to just let that shit go. It’s not worth suffering a blow to your re-poo-tation in the office.

Leo

Focus on the shit that inspires you this week, Leo — whether that’s travel, learning, or your favorite pastime of all, gazing in the mirror at your gorgeous self.

Virgo

Smell that, Virgo? Romance is in the air this week as things heat up in the love department. Don’t forget to look up from your spreadsheets long enough to enjoy it.

Libra

A romantic interest could pay you a visit this week, Libra. Just make sure your loo is stocked with plenty of Poo~Pourri, just in case one of you needs to drop the kids off at the pool.

Scorpio

Listen, Scorpio: Now is the time to focus on creating more sustainable work habits for yourself — so no more Zoom calls on the toilet, k? Trust us, your co-workers will thank you.

Sagittarius

This week is all about getting in touch with your creative self-expression, Sag — so dance like no one’s watching and poop like no one’s listening.

Capricorn

It’s a solid week for real estate ventures, Cap, so why not hunt for your new dream home? And yes, a fancy bidet is totally a legitimate reason to seal the deal, because your tush deserves only the finest.

Aquarius

Travel is a “go” for you this week, Aquarius, meaning it’s the poofect time to book that flight you’ve been dreaming of. Bonus: Pooping at 30,000 feet is always a thrill.

Pisces

Oh, shit: Did you file your taxes yet, Pisces? If not, doo what you gotta doo and get ‘em done already. We know it stinks, but you don’t want to end up in a sticky shituation with Uncle Sam.