The first New Moon of 2022 is here to ignite a fresh new start (kinda like striking a match after an extra-stinky dump). If there are any shitty situations you’d rather leave behind as we ring in the New Year, consider this your go-ahead to just doo it. Flush your regrets and look ahead to what’s coming down the pipeline: Big expansive energy in the areas of love and romance, for one thing. Happy Poo Year!
Smell that? 2021 is fleeing like it just blew up the single-stall office bathroom — and we say, don’t let the door hit your butt on the way out. Whether your year was a sinker, a floater, or somewhere in between, you’ll no doubt be psyched to hear a brand new vibe of big-time growth and expansion is headed this way as Jupiter enters Pisces. So say buh-bye to 2021, because 2022 is here in poo-fect timing.
Hold onto your britches this week as Mars moves into the adventurous, bold, and exciting sign of Sagittarius. This pairing will bring new energy and an undeniable urge to explore. So take the risk and pursue a new and intriguing relationship, turn that side hustle into a career, or satisfy your wanderlust with that trip to Greece. It’s time to shit or get off the pot, so try to open yourself up, stretch your limits, and learn a little something about yourself along the way.
Holy shit, you just lived through some of the most intense astrological energies of 2021 - so if you’re feeling wiped, you’re NOT alone. As the Sun and Mercury move into the adventurous sign of Sagittarius, you may find yourself with a sudden urge to take risks, travel to far-off lands, or simply consider a wider poo-spective on life. Follow your internal rumbling and trust that good shit is coming.
Oh crap: Mars and Saturn are colliding this week, meaning shit could be hitting the proverbial fan. Mars is the planet that motivates us to get shit done, while Saturn has a re-poo-tation for teaching us lessons. Moral of the story? If there’s any issues stinking up our projects or relationships, they may come to a grinding halt until we sort that shit out. Trust your gut when it comes to deciding whether to ride it out, make a hard left turn, or simply let that shit go altogether.
Holy crap, you survived Mercury retrograde! We’re all thrilled to put that shit behind us — and now that Mercury’s gone direct, big “just doo it” energy is coming this way. So if you’ve been thinking about taking a trip, signing up for a class, or launching a project, it’s time to shit or get off the pot. Thankfully, Jupiter turning direct in Aquarius should give you that extra push you need to doo what you gotta doo.
THE SHIT THAT’S GOING ON THIS WEEK The new moon drops on Wednesday, making this the poo-fect time for new beginnings. It’s in the sign of Libra, meaning it could be go time for a new relationship - but the presence of Mars could also dump a load of arguments at your doorstep. Whether it’s bickering over who forgot to change the TP roll or whether that fart really was the dog, fret not: All this crap should get flushed relatively quickly.
THE SHIT THAT’S GOING ON THIS WEEK Oh shit, it’s that time again: Mercury is now retrograde through October 18th, meaning you can expect communication snafus, technology fails, and a possible text from your ex. Mercury in retrograde is also the time to re-do anything you might have missed — so triple-check your wipe job and make sure that TP is coming up clean.
As Venus moves into Scorpio, shit is getting real in the love department. Scorpio is the sign of transformation, meaning big shifts are in the stars for your relationships. Could this be the week you finally decide to poop with the door open in front of your boo? Either way, don’t forget to spritz the Poo~Pourri.
Do you smell that? No, we didn’t fart: Big decisions are in the air as Mercury moves into the oh-so-social sign of Libra. You’ll be flush with charm and may feel the urge to socialize big-time this week, so resist the temptation to chat with your neighbor in the next stall (or don’t). You may find yourself having to make more choices than usual, so listen to your internal rumbling — it will never bullshit you.
The full moon in Aquarius brings a sense of urgency, meaning it’s go time this week. This celestial event is pushing things to happen NOW, one way or another — so make sure you know where the closest bathroom is, just in case a dire shituation crops up and you need to make an emergency exit.
Love is in the air now that Venus is in Libra, and it definitely does not stink. While this could mean you’ll be blown away by a new romantic love connection, keep in mind that love (much like your poop) can take many different forms. So keep an eye out for random flirtations with strangers or new pals that make you laugh so hard you poo your pants. And as always, do your doody and love yourself first — because you are the shit.
Poo-erful new beginnings are on the way thanks to the new moon on the 8th. And since it’s in the sign of Leo, there might be more than a little drama coming along with it — but not necessarily the kind that stinks. This is a high-vibe time to manifest whatever you’ve been dreaming of, so get out there and make shit happen.
The stars are aligning in poo-fectly neat rows this week — or so it seems. With Venus and Mars in the oh-so-organized sign of Virgo, right now it’s all about order, focusing on what matters, and taking things step by step. So lock the door, spritz 3 to 5 sprays of Poo~Pourri in the bowl, neatly fold that TP into a perfect square, and do your doody.
Oh crap: Three planets are changing signs this week, meaning BIG movements are on deck (and we’re not just talking about dropping the kids off at the pool). Your life could literally shift into a whole new gear overnight. And with big energy in Leo right now, it’s a great time to say “YES” to new possibilities and making shit happen.
Oh, shit! Mars, Pluto and Neptune are teaming up this week to form what’s known in astrology as a “Yod”. We’ll give it to you straight: Some unexpected crap might go down this week. You might be called upon to help someone out in a big way (like say, handing a wad of TP under a stall door), or deal with something that’s totally out of your control. So flush your expectations and trust that everything will turn out for the best.
Mercury has moved into the oh-so-emo sign of Cancer, meaning right now is the time to focus on your poo-sonal needs and whatever makes you feel safe (you know, like a securely locked bathroom door and a fresh roll of TP). Mercury in Cancer also means it’s easier to tune into and trust your gut right now — but keep in mind that your emotions can sometimes cloud the truth, so think carefully before listening to that rumble in your belly.